Being Alone

Matt and I have been together for 3.5 years... The best years, i think, of my life. I have learned to love with him, and learned that relationships are not easy. No one ever said they were supposed to be easy either. He and I have had our fair share of fights, disagreements, but we have always been there for each other when anything happened. That picture is from out Hawaii trip in 2008... we went there for my 21st birthday, the best birthday present ever! We got to feel like a real family there... living together for a whole week. We got into a few arguments, but it was OK, and it did not affect our vacation at all.

But now we are coming to a new hurdle. Something we have never had to encounter for more than a few days or a week. Matt is (if everything goes OK) joining the navy. This scares me because we have never had to do the long-distance thing. We have always been just a few miles away at most times, except when he goes on vacation w/ his family for a weekend. I know he will come back, but it will be a while. His basic training is 8 weeks near Chicago, and then A-school is after that (not sure how long that is, it depends on what he wants to do). I don't know what it will be like without him. I have a few friends, but they have kids and lives too. They do not just wanna spend all their time with me. I have a feeling that while he is gone I will be spending a lot of time alone... or working... nothing that sounds like fun to me.

Another worry is that when he gets his assignment that it will be somewhere far. Somewhere that I cannot drive to easily. I am hoping for San Diego (only about 1.5-2 hrs away), so I could go down there on the weekends or he could drive up here. But, if its any farther, more alone time. I know that when I am done with school that I want to live with him (if that's what he wants, and it works out), but that is not until December. I really wonder if he will ever want to marry me... He mentions marriage occasionally, but he makes it seem like its in the far away distant future (like 10 years or something), which is hard for me because my best friend is getting married next year, and already has a child... everything I have wanted since childhood.

My whole adult life has been with matt. We met just before my 18th birthday, and haven't been far apart since. Every weekend is spent with him, most meals out are with him. My family asks about him when he doesn't come to a family function, they love him almost as much as i do. I really will miss him, if he really goes through with all of this. I will be very proud of him though, for honoring our country. And for doing something with his life that is very respectable. I just hope and pray that we can remain strong through this.

venting

So... until now, my posts have been happy. But I am a real person, and I live in the same mid-recession america as everyone else. I personally have had no personal problems recently. I babysit for a wonderful family on the weekends, and i clean a house every friday. I am fortunate to work for families who have not been affected by the recession. But, others have.

My sister got fired from her job today. So, people automatically assume it is because of the economy and that she is just part of 'cutbacks' or something. Uh... no... I seriously feel she brought this on herself. She missed a whole week of work last month... is always late, and complains about everything. It really pisses me off because this is the 2nd time in 1 year she has been fired. She thinks just because she makes salary that she can just take advantage of not having a set 40 hour week. She makes good money for what she does (like over 45k per year), and she is only 25 with no college degree.

So, most ppl would thing that that is alot of money for someone. Not for her, she is somehow always broke. She asks me, who makes maybe 1/100th of what she does for money all the time. She wants 5 bucks for cirarettes, or 20 bucks for gas like a week after she gets paid. I really do not get how someone cannot have a budget, and live above their means. I cant even imagine how its gunna be next week when she has no money for anything. I just lie to her and say i dont have any money... because she will get mad if i just say no, and i dont want to fight.

And my poor mom, bless her soul, tries to fix my sister. She has given her over 10-12k in the past 4-5 years which she will probably never get back. Its like the 'bank of mom'. I guess i have too much pride to ask for money from people (other than the occasional dollar or something if i'm short, but never a significant amount). I have always been great with money, and you know what? I am a lot less stressed because of it. I feel bad that David has to live in a house with a stressed out mom, and now an unemployed mom who will be even more stressed in the upcoming days. I pray that she finds a job that she can keep, and that it is closer than her last job (it took her over an hour sometimes to drive 25 miles home-- traffic in the oc SUCKS!). And please pray for me, i really hate being mad, but it happens and i hate bottling my feelings up, thats y i made a BLOG!!!

Off to bed now... i have capri tomorrow while shannon goes off to a job interview... and then off to the recruiters office to try to get matt signed up for the navy... then off to school for my night class... busy day.

god bless